CHELSEA JUGGERNAUT CRASHES INTO FINAL/ TERRY FAILS TO GRASP FUNDAMENTAL CONCEPT OF PHOTOGRAPHY

Hello there...well...me. Still no evidence of anybody reading this except me so,  in the words of the immortal Bill Hicks “bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plow through this shit.”

On Monday I said that I expected Chelsea to get found out in their second semi final against Barcelona. I meant that they would prove to be a team without the cohesion and spirit that many seem to have projected onto them in recent weeks. I wasn’t saying that UEFA officials would find various animals stitched into freakish homemade chimera, arranged in dioramas of gangbangs through the ages and stashed in the bottom of John Terry’s kit bag. Though I have it on very good authority that this is true (nb. For legal reasons I should state categorically that I have no source whatsoever, this is only wild speculation...wild, crazy, unthinkable, plausible speculation).

Well, you saw what happened, John Terry got one of those red cards that only get shown at the Nou Camp. Sure, he was stupid and I’m certainly not here to defend him (take a look at the abuse I’ve just dished out) but it did leave a bad taste. John Terry was doing that John Terry thing, being a twat (and then lying about being a twat afterwards) but that red card just doesn’t get given in any other ground.

 There is no doubt that Barcelona are an exceptionally talented team but I’m getting a bit sick of them always getting that little extra bit of help. If they are good enough to do it on their own then we need to see them standing on the same ground as everyone else so that when they tower above we can look up and applaud, rather than tug on their shirts muttering “Hang on a second.”

On the other hand, it was hilarious though...did you see his face? Brilliant. He told Sky man Geoff Shreeves that he “never done nothing,” (sic...probably) so we must assume that John Terry just does not understand how television cameras work. Makes you wonder how that racism trial in the summer is going to pan out doesn’t it. I haven’t seen the video evidence but thought that it was possible that Terry had a good case as he seemed so adamant of his innocence, but now it is clear that he is capable of convincing himself that he is in the right almost immediately even when it is on tape. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, what a fucking unconscionable, moronic piece of dick cheese he is.

Great defender though...  

Anyway, somehow Chelsea got through the game with 10 men and deserve heaps of credit for what they’ve managed to achieve with stoic defending and deadly finishing (and a big slice of luck, it’s not every day you see the best player in the world miss a penalty).

I have to admit that I always thought that the Chelsea revival was a false dawn Wait, false dawn? I’ve confused myself a bit here, aren’t these players in the twilight of their careers? Yeah, so, scratch the false dawn thing what I thought I was seeing was the sun setting and various people running around trying to pretend the sun wasn’t setting like village simpletons scared of the impending reign of the brutal and sadistic Moon god.

The reason I wrote off Chelsea before the 2^nd leg is because I haven’t really seen them play properly all season. They’ve had good results, sure like the 1^st leg and Napoli at home, but when was the last time you saw this team actually play well before tonight? I mean as in every aspect of the game rather than just the resilient defending we saw last week. They’ve spent seasons strutting around arrogantly, looking down at the rest of us and laughing, holding us back with one hand whilst we swing wildly without being able to reach. Then they’d give us a quick kick in the balls and win the fucking league.

But let’s analyse this recent revival game by game shall we? You may well disagree with my assessments, by all means let me know, call me a cunt, for god’s sake acknowledge me!

....ahem, excuse me, sorry about that. Chelsea’s games since Di Matteo took over-

Birmingham 0-2 Chelsea- FA cup replay victory against a heavily depleted Championship team suffering from multiple injuries

Chelsea 1-0 Stoke- Scraped victory against Stoke who were reduced to 10 men for most of the game.

Chelsea 4-1 Napoli- Good result and a truly great night for Stamford Bridge but let’s not forget that the game had to go to extra time and Chelsea were lucky in that Napoli (currently 5^th in Serie A) had many chances.

Chelsea 5-2 Leicester- Home FA cup win only made safe late in the game with several goals in quick succession. Conceded 2 at home to team currently 10^th in the Championship.

Man City 2-1 Chelsea- Lost to a good team, no shame in that but still a loss.

Benfica 0-1 Chelsea- Good away performance but Benfica had their chances and Chelsea displayed nothing like the dominance they would have expected over 2^nd placed team in Portugal a few seasons ago.

Aston Villa 2-4 Chelsea- Victory secured late and gloss applied with 4^th goal as Villa were chasing the game. Conceded 2 to Villa, Alex Mcleish’s Villa, who have scored a grand total of 35 goals this season. The only things you need to know about this Villa team is that they are personified by England’s greatest ever non-goal scoring striker, Emile Heskey and following a loss to Bolton last night, look like they might go down (and nobody will miss them)

Chelsea 2-1 Benfica- Victory in the tie but Chelsea were abysmal in the 2^nd half and again faced only 10 men for most of the game.

Chelsea 2-1 Wigan- 2 offside goals won the game for Chelsea. Wigan were robbed and the chief referee apologised to Wigan days later

Fulham 1-1 Chelsea- Took the lead with a soft penalty and were pegged back for a draw by a Fulham team who played the best football throughout

Tottenham 1-5 Chelsea- Ball did not cross the line for Chelsea’s 2^nd goal, flattered by some excellent finishing against a demoralised Tottenham side but probably would have won without dodgy decision anyway.

Chelsea 1-0 Barcelona- Were completely dominated and scored with their only shot of the game

Arsenal 0-0 Chelsea- showed little ambition, looking to play on the break did not really produce a coherent attacking move in the game.

Lots of victories in there, which is the main thing you may well say, and you’d be right. But look at the amount of luck they have had too, and not a comprehensively good performance in the bunch.

People in the football bubble always talk about momentum. You see, the bubble is a sphere and gravity doesn’t work properly inside it (ask Gareth Bale, Luis Suarez or Ashley Young) so you get going in one direction and you find yourself whizzing round and round like one of those motorbikes in a spherical cage. Chelsea had momentum from an extremely lucky run and sometimes that can translate into form. However, if the front wheel comes spinning off you can just as easily crash to the floor of the cage in a pool of John Terry blood.

That hasn’t happened though, what we have seen is Chelsea chancing their way back into form. They strung enough results together with sheer dumb luck to remind them what they are capable of and we saw the fruits of that last night.

I can’t see them winning the final, they will definitely be missing Terry, Ramires, Ivanovic, Meireles and possibly Cahill which would be one central defender too far you would think. It is possible that Terry has fucked them over in the final once again. Ramires will also be a huge miss, he was phenomenal again last night and has been growing as a player with each passing week.  

After last night you can’t say anything is impossible for this team but I don’t see them being able to put out a side capable of competing in every aspect of the game (rather than just defending). But then what do I know?

Mahalo